Malebranche bite at your toenails as you push the boulder that you are pushing.
You shout, "Pushing boulders kinda sucks!" and immediately fall down a pit into a flaming tomb. Your flesh crinkles up into little ashes and gooey bits of PFM1 chili. A centaur with a dustpan and a bagel sweeps you up and dumps you into the Styx.
Styx and stones break your bones, and you sullenly emit bubbles, since you were forced to eat the PFM chili.
You are set to work pruning bushes, and the bushes keep telling you to push off and you tell them to go to Hell. Virgil laughs and says, "Illogical!"
You go ice skating, but keep tripping over all the heads some idiot left lying around. Suddenly Satan eats you like an M&M. Judas says, "Move over! You're standing on my spleen!" Ignore him.
1 - PFM was Professional Food Management (or Manglers), the managers of the cafeteries at NMSU. All told, their quality was about average for college food services, but that's not exactly three star dining.
Needless to say, my lit course had just covered Dante's Inferno when I wrote this.
Amphibians Bite Corndogs Down Every Floor.
Gratuitous Haddocks Invade Japan, Killing Lucy, My Niece.
Oprah's Party Quorum Really Sucks.
Tomorrow Umbrellas Verily Will X-Ray Your Zipper.
Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you
I forget who wrote the original Hell Alphabet, I think it was Joe.
HMLs always start with something biting something else, and end with the admonition to ignore something. In the middle, you usually say or think to yourself that something sucks, and spleens are frequently involved. ETA: Oh, and the titles always started with "Hell".