Dave Van Domelen (dvandom) wrote,
Dave Van Domelen

Some poems by H.M. Loaf

In going through old notebooks to decide what to keep, I stumbled on a couple of poems I wrote for the American National Spap Oop Society, a weird group started by Joe Lindsay III in high school back in Waukesha and continued at NMSU. One of the forms of poetry inflicted on the world by ANSOS members was the "Hyper Surreal Poem" in which the spirit of deceased Kirksville State Teachers College student Hassenpfeffer Meat Loaf (H.M. Loaf) was said to possess current students and make them continue writing his bad poetry. All H.M. Loaf poems followed certain formalisms, more of which would be included in the longer works. Here's a few I rescued from the dustbin:

Hell Inferno by H.M. Loaf

Malebranche bite at your toenails as you push the boulder that you are pushing.

You shout, "Pushing boulders kinda sucks!" and immediately fall down a pit into a flaming tomb. Your flesh crinkles up into little ashes and gooey bits of PFM1 chili. A centaur with a dustpan and a bagel sweeps you up and dumps you into the Styx.

Styx and stones break your bones, and you sullenly emit bubbles, since you were forced to eat the PFM chili.

You are set to work pruning bushes, and the bushes keep telling you to push off and you tell them to go to Hell. Virgil laughs and says, "Illogical!"

You go ice skating, but keep tripping over all the heads some idiot left lying around. Suddenly Satan eats you like an M&M. Judas says, "Move over! You're standing on my spleen!" Ignore him.

1 - PFM was Professional Food Management (or Manglers), the managers of the cafeteries at NMSU. All told, their quality was about average for college food services, but that's not exactly three star dining.

Needless to say, my lit course had just covered Dante's Inferno when I wrote this.

Hell Alphabet 2 by H.M. Loaf

Amphibians Bite Corndogs Down Every Floor.
Gratuitous Haddocks Invade Japan, Killing Lucy, My Niece.
Oprah's Party Quorum Really Sucks.
Tomorrow Umbrellas Verily Will X-Ray Your Zipper.
  Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you
     Ignore them.

I forget who wrote the original Hell Alphabet, I think it was Joe.

HMLs always start with something biting something else, and end with the admonition to ignore something. In the middle, you usually say or think to yourself that something sucks, and spleens are frequently involved. ETA: Oh, and the titles always started with "Hell".
Tags: nmsu
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